Worth The read.... Healing.
I found myself sitting on a bench, wiping tears from my face, that left the smudges of both make-up and dirt across my redened cheeks. I was so disappointed in myself! How could I allow myself to get so wrapped up in emotions that I was actually sitting there feeling so badly, that I had stopped riding and went back to my truck with the intentions of going home? And now, I was an uncontrolable mess! What a girl I am turning out to be!
What a sight I must have been to the four people who stopped to watch me. I took on a pretty steep hill, and I made it up, flawlessly. On top of that hill, I was startled, there was a rattlesnake, and I was about two feet from him where I had stopped and put my boots down to take a look at the surrounding view. It was so perfect, so beautiful, so serene, until I saw that snake. My city girl instincts took hold of me and told me to get the hell out of there and quick. I did, I popped that clutch and spun my bike around so fast it couldn't have taken more than a second to whip it in the right direction, and I started down the face of the hill I had just made the valiant effort to climb. I am still not sure what went wrong, but I felt the front tire tuck, and down I went head first into the weeds, the dirt and the mud. My bike toppled down and rolled over once, and pretty much landed in a good stance, and she was still running. I pulled myself up quickly to get to the bike, and the image of thosse oncoming weeds replayed and flooded my mind.
I make it to the bike, and I am still thinking that snake might come down and get me, I told you I'm a city girl, so no, we dont "get" these kinds of things. I grab the bars, and pull in the clutch to keep her running and I tug to pull her up, and it's no good, she isnt moving. I try again, this time with effort and she moves but she doesnt stand and she topples back down to where she was before I messed with her. Its at this very moment that I am standing there, the wind at my back, that this burst of fury takes hold of me. In an instant I am filled wiht this uncontrolable rage, this anger that has been festering within me since that dreadful september evening. I am not quite sure what words I spoke, though I doubt they were pleasant, and I spoke them as loudly as I could. The shriek of a woman scorned is never quiet, and seldom rational. I am standing there, balancing myself on the side of this hill, guarding myself from my real problem by allowing myself to turn into a crazed maniac. I am blindly yelling, and I can feel the surge, and here it comes, my foot comes back into that stance and with one fell swoop, I kick the bike hard. I am wearing boots, and it doesnt hurt, so I do it again. It is right after the second swift kick that I realized people were watching.
So now, Here I am, its cold, and I am being a sissylala, crying like a little girl, pardon the pun. And I realized something that was more important that controling my wicked temper, more important than my wounded pride, more imprtant than the fact that I had assaulted a piece of machinery in which I desperately needed to get me back down that big steep hill.
I realized I am going to be ok. I am still so very angry that I crashed in September, and there is really nothing I can do about it, except to lash out at the thing that hurt me most of all, my bike. This is where men and women are different. A Man would think about what happened, and decide what to do about it, and move on. A woman, no no no. She has to find how she "feels" about it, then she has to spend some time thinking about how she feels about it, and the she has to feel some more about the way that she thinks she feels about it..... I feel sorry for you guys out there, how do we expect you to understand us when we cant even figure ourselves out!!!!!!
But, as a girl, I finally took the time to back down, to step away, to sit on a cold cement bench and cry. and you know what I did when I was done??? I went back up that same hill, I DID NOT stop to look for my slithering friend, and I turned around and came back down that same hill, without a bit of a problem. Today I sit before you, well, before my lcd screen, and I can tell you, wounds were healed. Not all of them of course, but the ones that ran so deep I thought I would never find a source of peace for them, they are healed. I crashed hard, and I got back up, and I rode, bent handlebars and all.
Of course I could crash and be seriously injured, but I could also trip on my stairs in the middle of the night and be injured as well. My fortune is that I am able to ride, that I am strong enough, determined enough to not give in to the fear, even if it is justifiable.
I know I am not alone. Many people have expressed similar experiences. But for those who havent healed, who are still stuck in their fear, Not you men, I know you guys are over it already :) ok, Ill try to be serious..... If you are stuck in your fear, you dont need to be. You will find peace, patience is a virtue, even if it does suck waiting for it. It will come in the most unlikely place, at the most unlikely time. Maybe not like me, lets hope not, or a lot of poor unsuspecting bikes will be getting a good kicking this week.
Stay safe out there guys.