Imagine being me for just these few moments. Youre headed back from an incredible superbike event, at which you yelled and "air horned" Mat Mladin and Ben Spies, you watched two wrecks, one  in the 600s and one in the formula extremes, you stood in the sun with the cool breeze billowing by every few seconds, drinking way too much, eating far too little. The race is over, you are back at your bike, because you did in fact RIDE there.  Youre feeling good, youre sober, youre stuff is all still at your bike, and you gear up to go.  Its been a great day.

You throw a leg over the bike, and start her up. The 1000 cc motor spinning to life with a throaty tail pipe roar. Your buddy next to you gets his started, and soon the five bikes in your group are creating chaos for the eardrums of all who pass by.

Somewhere on the highway, your mind wanders and the reality of the vulnerable position you put yourself in by being on the bike in the first place. You think of the sould you have known and lost along the way, who lived and played and loved life. Youre barely conscious of the speedometer reading 85, which is fast but not even beginning to push the big motor on your beastly bike.  And for those few moments, you let it all go, all of the stress, all of that negative energy, you let it go. We live each day in this rat race, this chaos conundrum, and here you are, cruising at a seemingly gentle speed, and feeling a relief you havent felt in a very long time. The thrill of the twist of the throttle gives you a rush, the feeling of speeding down the highway at a totally unacceptable rate of speed creates that adrenaline high, but not today, or at least not right now.... right now you know within yourself that at any given moment a catastrophy could occur, and that realization brings you to realize one thing. I am alive.  Your living in that moment, you are enjoying your life, your stress has been left somewhere in the wind behind you, and you are free of it all. If you could stand on the front of your bike and do the Leo Dicario rip off of I am the king of the world, you would because the rushing air, the sound of your bike, the feel of the road, the smells, the sights of everything passing by, it envelopes you and pulls you deep into its thresh hold, and you do not want to be let go.

You cant let your mind wander too long on a bike, you know this, and your mind is back in focus, but you are somehow "better" for this one... somehow the world is a little easier to take, the people in it just a little kinder, and you a little wiser.

We race.... we push ourselves into a position that most sane human beings can not begin to understand. They ask us, "why" with that mortified look, that look that tells you it isnt even worth  even trying to explain your position as a rider and a racer. And we push ourselves to the edge, some of the times, clear over it. And we love it. We would do it over and over again, and are willing to die in order to keep doing it. That freedom, that adrenaline rush, that excitement that gets every bit of your flesh in a jumpy, jittery mess. I only hope that when it is my time, I can say I had a good run.... that I did well in life, and that I rode until the day I died. I hope I do not have to sit and suffer treatments, or be plauged with illness, because, well, that just isnt going to happen.  So, "why"? To sum it up, because "I CAN"!

To my friend John, whose kindness was astounding, and who left many stories in his book yet to be written. Godspeed.

I am just getting a chance to post this, but it was wriiten Sept. 1st 2007

It has been one year since I crashed, and my world flipped over on it's axis. I still know deep inside me, if I had it to do over again, that I absolutely would. The physical marks have improved, leaving only tiny reminders that I even had an accident. The small amount of nerve damage on the left side of my face is really not that terrible, since it seems to have smoothed the skin and diminished all those little smile lines, not that I ever had any. 

I am reminded today of what my life was like a year ago, before I made it to the track that night, my children growing so quickly, their school progressing equally as fast, and my love of racing and riding consumed my every spare moment, my every thought.  It's not that I was the fastest, or the best, I was never going to be up there anywhere near close to anyone like Ricky,  or Bubba, or Chad, I was never going to be a David Knight, or a Wayne Braybrook, or be a Doug Henry, or a Jeff Ward.... But I guarantee you, I loved the sport equally as much if not more than any one of those men.  And a year ago, the thing I loved the most, almost killed me. 

Now here I am, seemingly normal :), sitting in front of my computer, with the hollowed out memory of the vague recollections I still have that cling to my brain like a once was bad drug trip. So clear and concise, yet so distorted and convoluted. My memory never did return, and I am left with so many holes, which generate the ability to justifiably question "how" and "why"..... two questions that I will never have an answer for.  And like any distant memory that pops its head in to catch you off guard and turn you into it's prey,  I am still here one year later, fighting the good fight, aiming high to acheive success in all of my athletic challenges, whether it be racing/riding, or running. 

I walk into my garage, and I look at the sight of my dirt bikes lined up in no organized fashion, and it remind me of this. Life is short, so you must do what makes you happy while you are here.  Don't waste time on hate, or dislike, or insults, or ignorance. Get out there and make a difference for someone else,  go do something that makes you happy, ride your MTB, Ride your MX, Surf that BIG wave,Run that race, whatever it is, do it. Wether you do it for love of the sport or for the glory of the win, go and do it.

I spent some time in the hospital over the past year, more than 45 days were spent in a hospital , some of the times attached to tubes, some of them helping, some of them not so much.  Depending on why I was there, I heard different peoples stories. When I had my accident, I was given a private room for my stay "in the bed". There was a young man, 21, in the room next to me, who had unfortunately lost his footing (because of his cat) on his stairs in his home, and he fell down half of them.... his back was broken and he was not expected to ever walk again.  WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS.... something he does every day, multiple times a day, should be totally benign, and he takes a fall, only half way, and he is paralyzed for the remainder of his life. 

 That december, less than three months later, I fell taking out the garbage, and broke my wrist and a bone in my hand. In January, I batteled Pnuemonia, and I was in and out of the hopsital.... when you feel you can not breathe and you awake sometime in the middle of the morning with a fever in the high 103's, and you have no idea where you are, yet you are in fact in the comfort of your own bedroom, it is time to start worrying.  I spent some time "in the bed" for that one! A few months ago, I start to feel ill.... I have had kidney problems all of my life and in my mind I said, wait it out, call the doctor tomorrow.... I didnt have to wait that long. within just a few hours, the pain was so aggressive I could hardly stand, and my poor attempt at it was a doubled over stance, the fever came on just as quickly.  I spent some time recovering.  A month ago,I was helping ym parents remodel their home, I tripped on the flooring where the carpet had been pulled up and the edge of the hardwood was waiting patiently for me, I broke a toe, and a bone in my foot (meta tarsel)....  Meanwhile with a toe, I am  still running up to 40 miles per week. Fortunately, it has also recovered.

Moral, yes, there is one.... it doesnt matter if your taking out the garbage, or remodeling a house, walking down your stairs.....  you have to do what you love while you have time to do it. I don't know if we are "predetermined".... for those of you who are like me and believe in god, and the bible, it says we are of free will. But it also says that what we are to do, who we are, is already written.  We can make the choice to enjoy life, we can make the choice to do great things, be great at what we do, and who we are. But when its our time...... yes.

One year ago today, I was hurt, badly.  I awoke a few days later to a reflection I did not recognize. I was reminded of how wonderful life is, because I almost had mine taken from me. I will always ride, I will always race, I will always win, whether I am first or last to cross the finish line. I would prefer first but, you know, wouldnt we all!?! The point is, I am going to go out and do what I love. October brings on the second half of a great harescramble season, there are still supermoto dates left, and I intend to take the time to ride/practice a lot in what is left of this season, and I am going to ENJOY every little small crash, and "oh-crap" moment. I am going to keep training for my marathon, and run until I cant run anymore because my legs just will not go.  And I am going to do it all with a smile, because IT IS what I love.

One year later, and here I am.