I DID IT!!!!

Running shoes: $128

Running Pants, and matching shirts: $193

Funds raised for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society: $2540

Running  and sweating out 26.2 miles with a broken foot, consuming six vicodin, six gel packs(yuck), all being done with your friends and family supporting you, AND crossing the finish line and getting a Tiffany & Co. necklace for your earnings and hard work: PRICELESS

Imagine being me for just these few moments. Youre headed back from an incredible superbike event, at which you yelled and "air horned" Mat Mladin and Ben Spies, you watched two wrecks, one  in the 600s and one in the formula extremes, you stood in the sun with the cool breeze billowing by every few seconds, drinking way too much, eating far too little. The race is over, you are back at your bike, because you did in fact RIDE there.  Youre feeling good, youre sober, youre stuff is all still at your bike, and you gear up to go.  Its been a great day.

You throw a leg over the bike, and start her up. The 1000 cc motor spinning to life with a throaty tail pipe roar. Your buddy next to you gets his started, and soon the five bikes in your group are creating chaos for the eardrums of all who pass by.

Somewhere on the highway, your mind wanders and the reality of the vulnerable position you put yourself in by being on the bike in the first place. You think of the sould you have known and lost along the way, who lived and played and loved life. Youre barely conscious of the speedometer reading 85, which is fast but not even beginning to push the big motor on your beastly bike.  And for those few moments, you let it all go, all of the stress, all of that negative energy, you let it go. We live each day in this rat race, this chaos conundrum, and here you are, cruising at a seemingly gentle speed, and feeling a relief you havent felt in a very long time. The thrill of the twist of the throttle gives you a rush, the feeling of speeding down the highway at a totally unacceptable rate of speed creates that adrenaline high, but not today, or at least not right now.... right now you know within yourself that at any given moment a catastrophy could occur, and that realization brings you to realize one thing. I am alive.  Your living in that moment, you are enjoying your life, your stress has been left somewhere in the wind behind you, and you are free of it all. If you could stand on the front of your bike and do the Leo Dicario rip off of I am the king of the world, you would because the rushing air, the sound of your bike, the feel of the road, the smells, the sights of everything passing by, it envelopes you and pulls you deep into its thresh hold, and you do not want to be let go.

You cant let your mind wander too long on a bike, you know this, and your mind is back in focus, but you are somehow "better" for this one... somehow the world is a little easier to take, the people in it just a little kinder, and you a little wiser.

We race.... we push ourselves into a position that most sane human beings can not begin to understand. They ask us, "why" with that mortified look, that look that tells you it isnt even worth  even trying to explain your position as a rider and a racer. And we push ourselves to the edge, some of the times, clear over it. And we love it. We would do it over and over again, and are willing to die in order to keep doing it. That freedom, that adrenaline rush, that excitement that gets every bit of your flesh in a jumpy, jittery mess. I only hope that when it is my time, I can say I had a good run.... that I did well in life, and that I rode until the day I died. I hope I do not have to sit and suffer treatments, or be plauged with illness, because, well, that just isnt going to happen.  So, "why"? To sum it up, because "I CAN"!

To my friend John, whose kindness was astounding, and who left many stories in his book yet to be written. Godspeed.

I am just getting a chance to post this, but it was wriiten Sept. 1st 2007

It has been one year since I crashed, and my world flipped over on it's axis. I still know deep inside me, if I had it to do over again, that I absolutely would. The physical marks have improved, leaving only tiny reminders that I even had an accident. The small amount of nerve damage on the left side of my face is really not that terrible, since it seems to have smoothed the skin and diminished all those little smile lines, not that I ever had any. 

I am reminded today of what my life was like a year ago, before I made it to the track that night, my children growing so quickly, their school progressing equally as fast, and my love of racing and riding consumed my every spare moment, my every thought.  It's not that I was the fastest, or the best, I was never going to be up there anywhere near close to anyone like Ricky,  or Bubba, or Chad, I was never going to be a David Knight, or a Wayne Braybrook, or be a Doug Henry, or a Jeff Ward.... But I guarantee you, I loved the sport equally as much if not more than any one of those men.  And a year ago, the thing I loved the most, almost killed me. 

Now here I am, seemingly normal :), sitting in front of my computer, with the hollowed out memory of the vague recollections I still have that cling to my brain like a once was bad drug trip. So clear and concise, yet so distorted and convoluted. My memory never did return, and I am left with so many holes, which generate the ability to justifiably question "how" and "why"..... two questions that I will never have an answer for.  And like any distant memory that pops its head in to catch you off guard and turn you into it's prey,  I am still here one year later, fighting the good fight, aiming high to acheive success in all of my athletic challenges, whether it be racing/riding, or running. 

I walk into my garage, and I look at the sight of my dirt bikes lined up in no organized fashion, and it remind me of this. Life is short, so you must do what makes you happy while you are here.  Don't waste time on hate, or dislike, or insults, or ignorance. Get out there and make a difference for someone else,  go do something that makes you happy, ride your MTB, Ride your MX, Surf that BIG wave,Run that race, whatever it is, do it. Wether you do it for love of the sport or for the glory of the win, go and do it.

I spent some time in the hospital over the past year, more than 45 days were spent in a hospital , some of the times attached to tubes, some of them helping, some of them not so much.  Depending on why I was there, I heard different peoples stories. When I had my accident, I was given a private room for my stay "in the bed". There was a young man, 21, in the room next to me, who had unfortunately lost his footing (because of his cat) on his stairs in his home, and he fell down half of them.... his back was broken and he was not expected to ever walk again.  WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS.... something he does every day, multiple times a day, should be totally benign, and he takes a fall, only half way, and he is paralyzed for the remainder of his life. 

 That december, less than three months later, I fell taking out the garbage, and broke my wrist and a bone in my hand. In January, I batteled Pnuemonia, and I was in and out of the hopsital.... when you feel you can not breathe and you awake sometime in the middle of the morning with a fever in the high 103's, and you have no idea where you are, yet you are in fact in the comfort of your own bedroom, it is time to start worrying.  I spent some time "in the bed" for that one! A few months ago, I start to feel ill.... I have had kidney problems all of my life and in my mind I said, wait it out, call the doctor tomorrow.... I didnt have to wait that long. within just a few hours, the pain was so aggressive I could hardly stand, and my poor attempt at it was a doubled over stance, the fever came on just as quickly.  I spent some time recovering.  A month ago,I was helping ym parents remodel their home, I tripped on the flooring where the carpet had been pulled up and the edge of the hardwood was waiting patiently for me, I broke a toe, and a bone in my foot (meta tarsel)....  Meanwhile with a toe, I am  still running up to 40 miles per week. Fortunately, it has also recovered.

Moral, yes, there is one.... it doesnt matter if your taking out the garbage, or remodeling a house, walking down your stairs.....  you have to do what you love while you have time to do it. I don't know if we are "predetermined".... for those of you who are like me and believe in god, and the bible, it says we are of free will. But it also says that what we are to do, who we are, is already written.  We can make the choice to enjoy life, we can make the choice to do great things, be great at what we do, and who we are. But when its our time...... yes.

One year ago today, I was hurt, badly.  I awoke a few days later to a reflection I did not recognize. I was reminded of how wonderful life is, because I almost had mine taken from me. I will always ride, I will always race, I will always win, whether I am first or last to cross the finish line. I would prefer first but, you know, wouldnt we all!?! The point is, I am going to go out and do what I love. October brings on the second half of a great harescramble season, there are still supermoto dates left, and I intend to take the time to ride/practice a lot in what is left of this season, and I am going to ENJOY every little small crash, and "oh-crap" moment. I am going to keep training for my marathon, and run until I cant run anymore because my legs just will not go.  And I am going to do it all with a smile, because IT IS what I love.

One year later, and here I am.

With my riding season on break for all of my many riding associations, I have spent a lot of time trying to "decipher the code" of what the meaning to life is. I am getting old ,well, older, we all are. and many new things come to my realization as I age and enter the beginnings of my mid life.  I still have the passion to ride, to race to run..... I have the desire to help others, the have fellowship along the way.

I am motivated by the need to give, and right now at this time in my life, getting ready to run 26.2 miles for the leukemia and lymphoma society, I am meeting new people, who will in fact die in the short time I am training for this event. Already in the two months I have been a part of this, two wonderful, beautiful people have been taken from this world, and they leave behind their kindness and their spirit, and their families. It is not fair, as life often is not, that these people who suffer from leukemia are going through the HARSH treatment, sacrificing their quality of life only to succumb to the death that this disease often brings to it's victims.

What is the meaning of life???? Is it to have families? To ride or race? Is it to surf and swim? Is it to prosper? I dont know. I may not ever know. But for those moments when life is happening while we are busy making other plans, these few thoughts have helped me to get through it.

I used to believe that my life was hard because I had no money and had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

When you are not strong, you must be smart.

Maybe I am a loser, but at least no one knows

If you always do what you always have done, you'll only have what you have now

The one who makes no mistakes does none of the work

Hurry when you have time, then you'll have time when you are in a hurry

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ these are better, you knew I couldnt resist :)

 At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbors. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

Save on gasoline by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!" "I won!" "3rd time this week!"

When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

"Hello, My name is Jennifer (Jenn, if you call me jennifer I will have to choke you) and it has been 16 days since I last rode my bike. (the small gathered audience now nods their head in approval.) I am an addict. I am addicted to my riding, anything else is not good enough, not fun enough,  it's just not enough. I have been addicted to it for three years now, but started many years ago.(audience nods again.) Thank you for always letting me come here, and talk here.... I don't know how I would make it another day without you guys. ( audience claps)"

Ok,ok, ok.....  Ill be serious.:)

This past week, I had a chance to spend many wonderful moments watching my three beautiful children admire and adore everything about Disneyland. Mickey Mouse was there in his usual style. Buzz Lightyear was charmed by my darling three year old daughter. I had such a wonderful time watching them, seeing them light up after every ride, seeing all three of them do something together, and agree about how fun, exciting, and wonderful it was! 

California Adventure was awesome!!!!! What a cool place to go! I have been in Califonia all of my life, so going into a place that displays so much of the states culture, events, places, and history was AMAZING! Not to mention the coolest ride down there, the Hollywood Hotel Tower. I screamed like a girl!!!!! Seems to be a recent habit I have developed. I'll have to look into that.

I will be posting up some pictures in the next few days.

There is really no "real" racing for me until August/September.... I have one or two dirt tracking events in june but not much else. I will be busy getting ready for my marathon in October so I will need to stay active. Anyopne interested in practicing, or running let me know.

Ok, The training group website will be up THIS WEEK! I had MANY more inquiries than I expected so, Hopefully, it will not disappoint.

Now ,if you will excuse me, I have to go and find a way to entertain myself without using the words, Matey, Ahoy, and Yoho Yoho A pirates life for me.....   my mental reprogramming will take some time, I am sure. :)

I found myself sitting on a bench, wiping tears from my face, that left the smudges of both make-up and dirt across my redened cheeks. I was so disappointed in myself! How could I allow myself to get so wrapped up in emotions that I was actually sitting there feeling so badly, that I  had stopped riding and went back to my truck with the intentions of going home?  And now, I was an uncontrolable mess! What a girl I am turning out to be!

What a sight I must have been to the four people who stopped to watch me. I took on a pretty steep hill, and I made it up, flawlessly. On top of that hill, I was startled, there was a rattlesnake, and I was about two feet from him where I had stopped and put my boots down to take a look at the surrounding view. It was so perfect, so beautiful, so serene, until I saw that snake.  My city girl instincts took hold of me and told me to get the hell out of there and quick. I did, I popped that clutch and spun my bike around so fast it couldn't have taken more than a second to whip it in the right direction, and I started down the face of the hill I had just made the valiant effort to climb. I am still not sure what went wrong, but I felt the front tire tuck, and down I went head first into the weeds, the dirt and the mud. My bike toppled down and rolled over once, and pretty much landed in a good stance, and she was still running. I pulled myself up quickly to get to the bike, and the image of thosse oncoming weeds replayed and flooded my mind.

I make it to the bike, and I am still thinking that snake might come down and get me, I told you I'm a city girl, so no, we dont "get" these kinds of things.  I grab the bars, and pull in the clutch to keep her running and I tug to pull her up, and it's no good, she isnt moving. I try again, this time with effort and she moves but she doesnt stand and she topples back down to where she was before I messed with her.  Its at this very moment that I am standing there, the wind at my back, that this burst of fury takes hold of me. In an instant I am filled wiht this uncontrolable rage, this anger that has been festering within me since that dreadful september evening. I am not quite sure what words I spoke, though I doubt they were pleasant, and I spoke them as loudly as I could. The shriek of a  woman scorned is never quiet, and seldom rational. I am standing there, balancing myself on the side of this hill, guarding myself from my real problem by allowing myself to turn into a crazed maniac. I am blindly yelling, and I can feel the surge, and here it comes, my foot comes back into that stance and with one fell swoop, I kick the bike hard. I am wearing boots, and it doesnt hurt, so I do it again.  It is right after the second swift kick that I realized people were watching.

So now, Here I am, its cold, and I am being a sissylala, crying like a little girl, pardon the pun. And I realized something that was more important that controling my wicked temper, more important than my wounded pride, more imprtant than the fact that I had assaulted a piece of machinery in which I desperately needed to get me back down that big steep hill. 

I realized I am going to be ok. I am still so very angry that I crashed in September, and there is really nothing I can do about it, except to lash out at the thing that hurt me most of all, my bike. This is where men and women are different. A Man would think about what happened, and decide what to do about it, and move on. A woman, no no no. She has to find how she "feels" about it, then she has to spend some time thinking about how she feels about it, and the she has to feel some more about the way that she thinks she feels about it.....  I feel sorry for you guys out there, how do we expect you to understand us when we cant even figure ourselves out!!!!!!

But, as a girl, I finally took the time to back down, to step away, to sit on a cold cement bench and cry. and you know what I did when I was done???  I went back up that same hill, I DID NOT stop to look for my slithering friend, and  I turned around and came back down that same hill, without a bit of a problem.  Today I sit before you, well, before my lcd screen, and I can tell you, wounds were healed. Not all of them of course, but the ones that ran so deep I thought I would never find a source of peace for them, they are healed. I crashed hard, and I got back up, and I rode, bent handlebars and all.

Of course I could crash and be seriously injured, but I could also trip on my stairs in the middle of the night and be injured as well. My fortune is that I am able to ride, that I am strong enough, determined enough to not give in to the fear, even if it is justifiable. 

I know I am not alone. Many people have expressed similar experiences. But for those who havent healed, who are still stuck in their fear, Not you men, I know you guys are over it already :)  ok, Ill try to be serious..... If you are stuck in your fear, you dont need to be. You will find peace, patience is a virtue, even if it does suck waiting for it. It will come in the most unlikely place, at the most unlikely time. Maybe not like me, lets hope not, or a lot of poor unsuspecting bikes will be getting a good kicking this week.

Stay safe out there guys.

Tonight while talking to a friend. He said "Well, don't you think you'll get hurt again if you keep racing?"  To this I quickly responded in my typical oh so smart mouthed manner, "don't you think you should put that cigarette out?"  

The fact is, I think about it a lot. I think about it alot more than my friend does! Here's my conclussion. While I could not ride, I was miserable. and the more time that passed in which I could not ride, I became more miserable. I had an accident, and the worst part was waking up not knowing where I was, or what had happened to me. I woke up and I looked like someone else, but worse, I felt like someone else. Someone I had never met, someone who was sad, empty, and alone. Someone who did not laugh, or feel hope. I woke up and I was someone I always  tried to avoid becoming.  My life had shattered into a million different pieces.

When you have a passion for something that runs so deep that it drives you, you are complete. When that passion is stolen, ripped out of your arms unsuspectingly, you become the black side of white. Two weeks ago, all of this changed for me.

I raced. I rode without hesitation. I rode hard. I was safe yet honestly, I pushed, I took chances. A lot of them. And somewhere out there, amidst the trees, and the brush, the dust, ,the rocks, the mud, the sweat, all of the pieces of my life, began to weld themselves back together, forming that bond, that passion that I had longed for.  That passion that kept me sane.

Tonight, sitting here in front of the glowing LCD in the comfort of my bedroom, I am reminded of how difficult the times have been.  I come to this place (spoonsorhouse) to make new friends with common interests, as well as to gain sponsors. I never in my life thought that I would gain so much incredible insight, and wisdom  as  I have from this place. 

I have met many people who have shared their stories of their very severe accidents, and all of them have reached me. A few helped me find my passion. My friend Paka, you are amazing, thank you.  Dave, your words of kindness and your willingness to get back on the horse, you are an inspiration.  Martin, your sense of humor amuses me. There are more, many more who have made the difference. I only hope someday someone can help you when you need it, the way you all helped me when I needed it. Thank you for helping me to put the pieces back together.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get back to the creepy AOL chat room guy who is still persistently asking me what I am wearing :)  Sorry, I was serious for like ten minutes, you all knew it wouldnt last!!!!

Would it be an abomination to wear my awesome tongue twister K SWISS (PINK OF COURSE!-DUH!) to a NIKE MARATHON???????

Yeah, I thought so too. Ok here's the deal, I am running it this year in San Francisco! On October 21st 2007, I, yes little old me, will run a full marathon for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. For more information on this event and the others that are scheduled, check out www.lls.org. I will update this at a later date when I have my site web site ready.

I encourage all of you out there to get involved! You may not know anyone who has suffered from cancer. But eventually, and unfortunately, you will. Pull together, you can walk, run, bike or triathalon, go check out what they are doing and how you can Join! COME AND RUN WITH ME!  www.lls.org

www.teamintraining.org/sfm

What can I say, It is Friday the 13th, and yesterday I had the best ride yet! I am ready to race! It felt great to take on some of the tough terrain "Rockegie" ( I know it's carnegie, but if youve been there you get it !) has to offer, a few of those black diamonds should have signs on them that say  "Not recommended for people with Medical Conditions, Heart Conditions, or for people with cases of SissyLalaitis." And some of them are over rated, and prove to be, well maybe not simple, but not as difficult as some of the trails marked with a blue square.  Either way, it gave me a great ride without a crash, without a flaw, and with plenty of those moments that left us saying "Did you see that!?!"

I have met a lot of new people out there in sponsorhouse land, and I am meeting more people along the trails as well. Everyone seems to have something valuable to offer.  I have come across some people who are genuinely wonderful, kind and helpful people. And I have come across the kind that you expect to find in a creepy AOL chat room coining that old familiar phrase of "what are you wearing".

So to all of you, friend or creepy aol chat guy, a weekend of good weather, and the peace that I was fortunate enough to have found on the trail on just another weekday at Carnegie.

 Yesterday (4-5-07) was a beautiful day! The weather was great, and my bike was running perfect. No complaints. I took it out into some trails into carnegie (svra park) and was so impressed with that little bike.  It was a great ride..... I spent four hours out there taking trails, turns, hills, ROCKS!, and came out of it feeling great.  It's all the same places I have been before, only yesterday, it all seemed different. everything fell into place. On 4-14 I hae a race at Shasta, and I am ready!  Health is good, my shoulder is no longer a bother, I am ready.